Drugs For The Glass Industry

Here I was in Atlanta, having dinner with my best friend Chuck Kaplanek, and he asked me about the health of the glass business.  I told him that our industry is indeed sick and weak.  He off-handidly commented, "It's a shame we can't sell drugs to help the industry."

I remembered his comment and when I returned to my hotel, I did a computer search for drugs to help the glass industry.  Here is what I found....

• UValium---taken to calm down contract glaziers when an architect specifies soft-coat performance but prices the estimate at hard-coat pricing.
• Glassacillin---prescribed to prevent infection when your best customer puts a knife in your back.
• Glazierproxine---works on the stubborn heartburn you get when your lead glazier won't work overtime to finish a project.
• Lamitrine---a proven headache pain reducer that you often get when the bullet-resistant glass you ordered comes in one inch too large.
• Oshaphetamine---reduces rapid heart beat and excessive sweating condition after a shop worker gets a three-stitch cut and wants to call his lawyer and OSHA.
• Arefactorine---a very strong stress reliever that can be used after studying charts with very small print size and confusing directions on how to read the chart.
• Tempofane---reduces your back pain after installing an over sized light of tempered glass, only to have it shatter when you place the final stop.
• Floataproz---reduces high blood pressure when you receive the latest round of price increases.
• Fenestrataphine---cures blurry vision caused by looking at microscopic defects in glass on the third floor of a building that can only be seen on a sunny day around 4:00pm.
• Closercet---taken by door mechanics to alleviate the arthritis pain caused by adjusting the same closer three times a week for a fussy customer.
• Measureprostinate---glass shop owners take this medicine to prevent their hands from shaking and trembling when they find that their glaziers measured an opening with a worn out tape measure that is 1/4" short.
• Alumocodeine---an addictive pain medicine to be used when your shop crew cuts all the miters backwards on a big job.
• Driveroxorine---an over the counter drug, usually taken as a stress reliever by glass truck drivers given the wrong directions to a job site.
• Viagraset---relieves depression when failing to set an IG unit on the third floor of a building because your lift only goes to the second floor.
• Worldseriesium---taken once a year by over three million Chicago Cubs fans as an anxiety reliever.  Paid for by most insurance companies as a medical necessity.  Also desperately needed by New York Mets fans and available on the street in Times Square.