Glass Show Seminars I Would Like To See

The big show is coming to Atlanta. I was looking over the list of seminars, and while they looked very interesting and informative, there were some I thought were missing. Since I can see the future, here are some seminars from a glass show of the future:

• How To Read The Calendar (Section I)--For Glass Shops---learn how to smudge dates on purchase orders; how to prove your fabricator was late and can be back charged; discover why your vendor's payment terms of 30 days really equals 75.

• How To Read The Calendar (Section II)--For Fabricators---learn how to easily add a week for delivery and keep most of your customers happy; Why does saying Monday really mean Tuesday, in English and Spanish; How to blame: a) the fax machine b) the clerk you fired yesterday; 10 surefire excuses for missing delivery dates

• How To Order Chinese Glass--It Is Easier Than You Think---Pick a building owner planning to sell the building within six months, eliminating concern with impossible re-orders; prepare a press release saying you believe in the international economy for all peoples; Have the glass delivered at night in plain, unmarked crates

• A Seminar On The Many Uses For Failed IG Units---Our speaker told us he had nothing to discuss...we will reschedule this for next year

• A First Timer's Look At Tempered Shower Doors---They are so easy that any glazier can do them; Why the phrase "out-of-square" means nothing; How to measure doors to a 1/4" tolerance; How to order a Mickey Mouse notch without out the need for the Goofy drawings; 5 ways to place your own tempered logo on annealed glass

• A Presentation on Sexist and Racist Jokes That Are Acceptable In Every Glass Shop---Our presenter will tell you how to offend everyone without breaking the law; Why sexist jokes work better with props; Telling racist jokes in multiple languages

• How Smoking Pot On The Job Will Help You Lift Those Heavy IG Units---(There is an additional $20 fee for the hands-on section of this seminar) Smoking pot gives you super-human feelings...How to channel this energy to productive work; Sharing the good stuff so every one can work at the same pace; The timing of giving pot to your customers...before the final inspection or with the presentation of the invoice; Discover the list of employers who don't drug test

• Fashions Of The Glass Worker---10 different blue jean styles that will show the top of your butt; Wearing T-shirts with foul language and obscene pictures actually makes you feel better; Why changing your clothes at least once a week will be good for business

• Why The Wage And Hour Laws Don't Apply To You---Paying taxes restricts your rights; Overtime laws are for sissies; The proper amounts to offer as bribes for various situations